Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
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The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Hank is one in a melon.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Saturday
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
August 8
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.