Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
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70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.