If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
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You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.