Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
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interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today