My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
You Might Also Like
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
The second world war should have been called world war returns
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
My blood type is b hungry.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!