Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
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[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!