What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
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her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.