Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
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These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.