I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
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You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
You’ll be OK
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
my dad when a sex scene comes on
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Ferrari squats
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.