Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
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Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Your honor these allegations are
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)