Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
You Might Also Like
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance