Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
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Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?