Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
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Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
twitter is a journey
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look