*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
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The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Bike is short for Bichael.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic