my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
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Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.