Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
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How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Fluff me with a fork baby
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun