I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
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WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
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AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.