“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
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What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect