I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
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[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.