According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
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[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.