Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
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*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Teach your children to beatbox
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.