The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
I came this close!!!!
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.