My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
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if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
how high up are we talkin’?