Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
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that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.