[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
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Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
What about second breakfast?
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
#Caturday
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.