Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
You Might Also Like
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day