“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
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People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
dictator is short for richard potato
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
What?!?