Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
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I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.