Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
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SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind