Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
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When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?