My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
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B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?