[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
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mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed