Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
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What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…