Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
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You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume