I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
my first dose meeting my second
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.