I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
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🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.