How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
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Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth