When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
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Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.