Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
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he looks great for his age
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
My whole life was a lie.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?