*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
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I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.