Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
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my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
cry laughing at this shit
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue