the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
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Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
This kid will have a bright future.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
When your man makes a valid point
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.