ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
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Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I’d … I’d rather not.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell