“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
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H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.