When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
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To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X