3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
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Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”