“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
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Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you