[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
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You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy