I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
You Might Also Like
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
not to brag, but mine was free
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google