It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
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When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
this is the best day of my life
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.